The Foxhole

THE FOXHOLE

by Eric Ferguson

CHARACTERS:
William Johnson: army private, heterosexual
Peter Jones: army private, homosexual
The Sergeant, also male
Nancy Bossen: army private
(The scene is a foxhole. Johnson is in the foxhole when the lights come up. Sergeant and Jones enter, keeping their heads low.)


SERGEANT
Jones, I'm putting you in here with Johnson. Keep an eye out for anyone coming down this road. If there's a bunch of them, fall back to where we just were.

JONES
Yes Sergeant.

(Sergeant exits.)


JOHNSON
I'm William Johnson.

(He offers his hand. They shake.)

You just get transferred in?


JONES
Yeah. I just got moved in from Alpha company. I'm Peter Jones.


JOHNSON
Jones? Hey, are you that gay guy?


JONES
Oh good grief.


JOHNSON
Well?


JONES
Don't ask/don't tell, remember?


JOHNSON
Come on man, everyone knows.


JONES
Fine, everyone knows. Let's just watch our road.

(He notices Johnson wipe off the hand he shook.)

You didn't catch anything shaking hands with me.


JOHNSON
How do I know? I never met a gay guy before.


JONES
You've been sitting here in the dirt. My hand is the cleanest thing you've touched all day.


JOHNSON
Well, just don't touch me again, all right?


JONES
Fine.


JOHNSON
(After an uncomfortable silence.)

I mean, you guys shouldn't even be here.


JONES
What's the problem?!


JOHNSON
Everyone knows about you people!


JONES
Knows what?!


JOHNSON
You're thinking about sex all the time. You can't control yourselves.


JONES
What?


JOHNSON
Put two of you guys in a foxhole together and you'll be buggering each other instead concentrating on your job.


JONES
You've never even met an openly gay man before.


JOHNSON
And I don't want to. It gives me the creeps to think of one of you staring at me in the shower.


JONES
Have you ever thought that maybe you're just a bit insecure about your own...


JOHNSON
Don't give me that "I'm insecure about my own masculinity" crap. I am very secure about my masculinity. It's yours I'm not so sure about.


JONES
(Jones decides he's going to annoy Johnson by playing up the stereotype.)

Well Johnson, you sure got me figured out. All right if I call you "Willie"?


JOHNSON
What do you mean?


JONES
I'm just wondering if I can call you "Willie".


JOHNSON
No, the first part. What do you mean I got you figured out?


JONES
I don't know how I can restrain myself, sitting here alone with you.


JOHNSON
Keep your eyes on the road, okay?


JONES
Oh Willie, you're so cute when you're paranoid.


JOHNSON
Knock it off Jones.


JONES
I just want to wrap you up and take you home so I can show my gay friends my "willie".


JOHNSON
Shut up Jones!


JONES
Just let me be your bit of "Peter".


JOHNSON
Sergeant!


JONES
Don't worry about getting caught. We'll go in the back door.


JOHNSON
Sergeant! Sergeant!


SERGEANT
(Sergeant enters)

Stop yelling Johnson. Now what is it?


JOHNSON
Get this guy out of here!


SERGEANT
What's going on?


JONES
(Back to normal)

Willie here is a complete homophobe.


JOHNSON
I don't want to be alone with some fag.


SERGEANT
What? Never mind, I'll figure it out later. Jones, fall back, I'll put you somewhere else.


JONES
Fine with me.

(Jones exits)


JOHNSON
I'd rather share this hole with some woman than with you!


SERGEANT
Interesting you should say that.


JOHNSON
Why?


SERGEANT
Well, you know women are being allowed in more combat roles these days.


JOHNSON
No...


SERGEANT
Bossen, get up here!


BOSSEN
(entering)

Yes Sergeant.


SERGEANT
Help Johnson keep an eye on the road. If anything happens, holler.


BOSSEN
Yes, Sergeant.

(Sergeant exits.)

I'm Nancy Bossen, I just transferred in.


JOHNSON
William Johnson.

(They are silent a moment. Johnson looks over at her.)

You know, that helmet does something for you.


BOSSEN
Yeah, right. Just keep your eyes on the road, okay?


JOHNSON
I'll have to try hard to restrain myself, sitting here alone with you.


BOSSEN
What?


JOHNSON
I must be tough for you too. You must want to wrap me up and take me to your friends so you can show them your "willie".


BOSSEN
Keep quiet Johnson.

(Lights fade as we hear Johnson borrowing Jones' pickup lines and Bossen telling him to shut up. Blackout.)